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| "Honesty," by Julie Tián. |
Artist's Note
Honesty is very difficult for me, being honest is something I have to do intentionally. From my own experience with my parents and seeing how they interact with family and other people, telling lies with the intention to avoid harm is very normal and encouraged. Like a white lie, but often on very important matters like health and relationships. This isn’t for keeping appearances, it’s often out of not wanting to burden others, or not wanting to have difficult conversations. I don’t think it’s necessarily an entirely negative thing, but this is what I saw growing up and navigating family relationships.
So, I find myself automatically telling lies almost daily, being dishonest with myself and with others, to not burden or make them worry. This is not only a disservice to them, but also me. Denying myself honesty and my own truth. These small lies pile up and it gets to a point where it’s hard to uncover and know who I am, because I feel as if there is a different version of myself for every person, friend, or family.
This painting is a composite of various photos from my childhood, to make something not real out of pieces that are real and earnest. I wanted to look into the past, maybe to a time when I felt more solid, before I started feeling like I need to be dishonest with myself. Because memory is not the truth, but it’s honestly what we remember, and memory shapes the way we see the world and ourselves. I’m constantly drawing from what I remember, but it may not be what was there. I’m still trying to figure out how to be more honest, sometimes it’s being around people I truly feel safe with that is free of judgment.
Honesty is very difficult for me, being honest is something I have to do intentionally. From my own experience with my parents and seeing how they interact with family and other people, telling lies with the intention to avoid harm is very normal and encouraged. Like a white lie, but often on very important matters like health and relationships. This isn’t for keeping appearances, it’s often out of not wanting to burden others, or not wanting to have difficult conversations. I don’t think it’s necessarily an entirely negative thing, but this is what I saw growing up and navigating family relationships.
So, I find myself automatically telling lies almost daily, being dishonest with myself and with others, to not burden or make them worry. This is not only a disservice to them, but also me. Denying myself honesty and my own truth. These small lies pile up and it gets to a point where it’s hard to uncover and know who I am, because I feel as if there is a different version of myself for every person, friend, or family.
This painting is a composite of various photos from my childhood, to make something not real out of pieces that are real and earnest. I wanted to look into the past, maybe to a time when I felt more solid, before I started feeling like I need to be dishonest with myself. Because memory is not the truth, but it’s honestly what we remember, and memory shapes the way we see the world and ourselves. I’m constantly drawing from what I remember, but it may not be what was there. I’m still trying to figure out how to be more honest, sometimes it’s being around people I truly feel safe with that is free of judgment.